Insecurities, I so hate you! Spent two months going through a book that was about overcoming our insecurities and still I am clinging to them. You'd think I could just get over it already. Just when I think I'm doing good - bam you raise your ugly head and take control again.

Relationships are the biggest arena for my insecurities to show up. I'll be going along just fine and dandy - bam the voices begin to whisper "you aren't good enough, you've got to be kidding yourself." And they get louder and louder. Until it's the only voice I hear.

I have a tendency to push for more than the one I'm in a relationship with is willing or ready to give. It's always been a downfall in my relationships thus far. I recognize when I'm doing it, but it's like I can't control it no matter how hard I try. A lot of that is insecurity and I realize that.

I also realize that I am free in expressing my feelings and expect others to be the same way. It's annoying, I'm sure, and can feel smothering to the one on the other side of the relationship. When I fall, I fall hard and want that from the one I am with.

So what's wrong with me? Why can't I just be satisfied with where things are and take it one day at a time? Why do I constantly expect more?

Oh to just be able to figure it out and defeat the insecurities before they raise the voices start.

Walls We Build

Imagine a wall that is so impenetrable, much like a bullet proof vest. Not like the wall at a bank that separates you from the tellers but an unseen wall that protects your mind and soul.

Many of you know exactly what I am talking about, the wall you build to protect your heart and soul from emotional destruction, not just love relationships but friendships also. It's hard to say how or when the wall begins, but over time it gets taller, thicker and more and more impenetrable. Things like crying are looked upon as weak or a vulnerability that is not afforded. To the outside world you are one tough cookie but in reality you are sensitive and hurt easily but never allow the world to see that.

The wall helps to keep you just the right distance away from your emotions. It keeps you from allowing others to reach out to you due to your reluctance to open your heart. Many times we talk about wanting more intimacy in our lives but just when we get what we want we somehow sabotage ourselves. We are afraid to fall too fast because the more we trust someone the easier it is for him or her to break our heart. There are times when we get tired of being strong and holding up this wall.

This intimacy with another allows us to be vulnerable, implying that we may get hurt. Although it is safe within the wall it gets very lonely with nobody they allow in. Eventually these walls become too high for you to climb over and you become a prisoner of your own doing.

Trust is not an easy thing. Friends come and go, boyfriend/girlfriends come and go; it hurts each time. Do we really want to do it all over again, break down the wall just to have to rebuild it?

The strongest base for a relationship is a good friendship with honesty, communication and genuineness. If you find someone who proves these to you it helps to break down barriers. Who do you trust though? Can the wall be broken? Can you trust enough to break down that wall?

Ok, so one day you break down the wall, can it stay down? Will the smallest thing make you buy all the mortar and bricks and build a new wall bigger and better, one that makes the Great Wall of China look like a backyard fence? The saying goes "The hardest thing is loving someone and having the courage to let them love you back" What do you think? Do you have a wall? If you had one, how did you break it down?

How about those Syrupmakers! Number 1!!

Last night Angela was joking about my high school alma mater and how ridiculous it was that our team name was the Syrupmakers/Syrupmaids. I wonder how she will feel when I show this article on sportsillustrated.cnn.com

When I covered high school sports for The Tampa Tribune, it drove me crazy when a county would spend a fortune to build a new high school and then give it a generic nickname. How many Wildcats, Knights and Rams does the world need? Why saddle the youth of America with sobriquets that only emphasize the older generation's lack of creativity? We expect our children to excel, and since that's the case, their school teams should have excellent nicknames.

The schools on this list get it. These are the top 15 high school nicknames in America. In some cases, the name draws on the town's heritage. In others, school leaders simply sought an inspiring nickname. And with apologies to Burt Reynolds in Boogie Nights, those are some great names.

15. Stuyvesant Peglegs, New York

This Manhattan school is named after Peter Stuyvesant, the last director general of New Netherland. Stuyvesant was in charge when the Dutch lost what is now New York and New Jersey to the English in 1664. Stuyvesant, who lost his right leg while serving as the governor of Curacao, was nicknamed "Old Pegleg" and "Pegleg Pete." The school, founded in 1904, kept the nickname.

14. Colorado Rocky Mountain School Oysters, Carbondale, Colo.

Maybe it's the pioneer spirit, but Colorado schools have some fantastic nicknames. Brush High is home to the Beetdiggers. Lamar High has the Savages. Alamosa High has the Mean Moose, which has a better ring than the Agitated Antelopes. But nothing compares to the name of the boys soccer team at a small boarding school 170 miles west of Denver. Lots of schools have daring nicknames, but only one has the stones to call its team the Rocky Mountain Oysters.

13. Dunbar Poets, Baltimore

The school's namesake, Paul Laurence Dunbar, was a poet. Baltimore also was home to Edgar Allan Poe, who dabbled a little in verse. Dunbar's students are mighty with their pens, but they're also mighty on the football field. The Poets have won three consecutive state titles and six since 1994.

12. Don Bosco Prep Ironmen, Ramsey, N.J.

It's a bit easier to choose a nickname at schools with an all-male or all-female student body. There are no Rams-Ewes or Bulls-Cows issues. Still, the Salesians of St. Don Bosco went the extra mile, choosing a nickname that predicted the near-invincibility of the Bosco football program. Alas, Tony Stark is not an alum.

11. Lloyd Memorial Juggernauts, Erlanger, Ky.

Every year during the NCAA Tournament, somebody breaks out a Mascot Fight to the Death Pool. The idea is simple; choose the mascot that would win in a fight. Forces of nature (Miami, Tulsa or Alabama, for example) usually win. For this reason, I've always wondered why a mid-major didn't call its teams the 100-megaton Warheads. This name might be even better. A juggernaut is an unstoppable, crushing force. It would win every time. Alas, Marvel Comics supervillian Juggernaut is not a Lloyd Memorial alum.

10. Punahou School Buffanblu, Honolulu, Hawaii

Lots of schools use their uniform colors as their nickname. Plenty of Crimsons and Green Waves dot the sporting landscape. But no school combines its colors into its nickname quite like the one that produced President Barack Obama (class of '79) and America Online founder Steve Case (class of '76). The Buffanblu also get it done on the field and court. In 2008, SI editors named Punahou the nation's best high school athletic program.

9. Staples Wreckers, Westport, Conn.

A nickname that suggests what might happen to opponents is always intimidating. In the case of the Wreckers football team, which has won three state titles in seven years, it's pretty much a promise. It also doesn't hurt the school itself boasts a fantastic name. No relation, though.

8. Long Beach Poly Jackrabbits

The school that produced Billie Jean King, Willie McGinest and Snoop Dogg doesn't have an intimidating nickname, but just try catching a Jackrabbit. They're as fast as Philadelphia Eagles first-rounder Desean Jackson, another Long Beach Poly alum.

7. Watersmeet Nimrods, Watersmeet, Mich.

This Upper Peninsula public school won national fame in 2004 for its part in an ESPN advertising campaign. While most of America considers a nimrod a silly or foolish person, the folks in Watersmeet celebrate the Biblical figure Nimrod, who was described as "a mighty hunter before the lord."

6. Johnson Atom Smashers, Savannah, Ga.

The European Organization for Nuclear Research first smashed atoms with a Proton Synchrotron in November 1959. That same year, Sol C. Johnson High opened its doors. The Johnson football team's helmets feature an atom logo, and the school calls its gym the Reaction Chamber.

5. Poca Dots, Poca, W. Va.

Named by a Charleston newspaper writer in 1928, the Dots are the best marriage of school/city name and nickname in sports. The only other sports nickname that comes close is the Macon (Ga.) Whoopee, a defunct minor league hockey franchise.

4. Cary Imps, Cary, N.C.

The name is awesome, but the logo is even better. Imagine if the Great Gazoo from The Flintstones had turned demonic and started a steroid/imp growth hormone regimen that even Bill Romanowski would have considered excessive. You would let this imp call you a dumb-dumb.

3. Lakeland Dreadnaughts, Lakeland, Fla.

According to The (Lakeland) Ledger, Lakeland principal I.G. McKay praised the 1923 Lakeland football team for "rolling over the opponents just as a massive ship steams through stormy seas." That ship, McKay decided, was a Dreadnought, the British ship that revolutionized naval warfare. The current-day Dreadnaughts usually roll over their opponents, too. In 2005 and 2006, USA Today crowned Lakeland the high school national champ.

2. Glenville Tarblooders, Cleveland

Christian Bryant, a senior defensive back at Glenville who is being recruited by most of the top 25, was kind enough to explain the origin of his team's nickname a few weeks ago. Bryant said the name came from the men who built the railroad through Cleveland. The tar from the stakes would splash the men, causing them to bleed. To the untrained eye, the men appeared to bleed tar. Their namesakes have done them proud, and "sweat blood" remains the ultimate motivational creed for Glenville athletes.

1. Cairo Syrupmakers, Cairo, Ga.

The name of this tiny south Georgia town is pronounced like the syrup, not like Egypt's capital. But contrary to popular belief, Karo syrup is not produced in Cairo. The old syrup plant used to churn out Roddenberry's. Now, the Syrupmakers just churn out championship football teams. Next month, Cairo will begin its defense of the 2008 Class AAA state title.

Random Photography

I'm learning to venture out and take pictures of weird things. I read a while back at Photo Bliss to "not be too concerned that you won't like what you shoot. Just shoot – you will be delighted with what you discover and ultimately, you will learn from this kind of exercise! So shoot away; give any "weird" idea a try." The author suggested trying to get people to ask how did you get that shot, what is that, how did you come up with that?

So I'm venturing out and trying to find random things to shoot. This is one attempt.

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds."

Only Trust Him

The last 3 months have been filled with many emotions ranging from sorrow to excitement. In April our Senior Pastor passed away. During my time at the church as a member and an employee I have experienced many things, but I never would have thought I would experience the death of a pastor. Within the body we have experienced pastors leaving for one reason or another, but this was a first (and I pray a last). I have been encouraged to see my Father's guidance and divine providence, grace, mercy and love poured out among His people. Just as God in history led His children, He continues to lead them today.

At times, I confess, I have doubted and stressed over the circumstances we were facing. I have a fear of the unknown. Who would lead us? Would we be united? But God in his infinite wisdom knew from the beginning of time the outcome over the last 3 months. The only thing I really needed to do was to seek the Father and pray that his will, not my own, be done. I will never be able to look into the future and see what lies ahead, but there is one who does.

While I feel like the storm is calming, I know that there will be more storms to come. But how sweet it is to look back and testify to God's sovereignty through it all. Just a few of the ways I've seen God at work within this body:

• protection, comfort and shepherding of Katherine and her boys during this time .
• members loving and caring for one another.
• Joshua (our associate pastor) and his wife (Cari) loving and ministering not only to Katherine and her boys but the church body as well.
• Joshua's godly counsel and leadership to the church body.
• Todd (worship pastor - now senior pastor) loving, leading and serving a church body he hardly knew yet faithfully surrendering to God's call to become the senior pastor of our church.
• Ginger (Todd's wife) as she's prayed and supported this body and her husband from miles away.
  
• Our deacons faithfully serving and supporting the pastors wherever needs arose.
• Our church family uniting in love as we prayerfully sought God's will.
  

The list could go on and on, but it has been marvelously evident that God has a plan for us, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11). We may at times doubt, but all we truly need to do is look around to see that He truly works all things together for good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

It's with joy and great excitement that I look forward to see how and where God will lead us in the days to come.

Under My Skin

When I was younger I believed in fairy tales. You know the ones where boy meets girl and they live happily ever after. At timea I think I have become cynical when it comes to fairy tales and happily ever after.

However, I was reading a book the other day and found this quote: "I once heard someone say that this guy had gotten under her skin. And it struck me as a remarkable thought - that someone would affect you so deeply they'd always be a part of you. There's an image that goes with that phrase: something fluid and warm that starts at your heart and spreads all the way out to your fingertips and your toes, carried by the blood."

The more I thought about this quote the more I realized I'm not as cynical about the happily ever after as I would lead people to think. I know there are those people that have experienced the happily ever after.

But that's not the thing that struck me the most about this quote. What got me was the fact that when I've heard the phrase "he/she really gets under my skin" I've thought of it in a negative sense. However, I can see the positive in that aspect. Tonight I sit here thankful that I've experienced someone getting under my skin in a positive way. I'm thankful that "he gets under my skin". Whether he is here or miles away, when I think of him he gets under my skin and it starts in my heart and spreads to my fingertips and toes.

Is there someone that gets under your skin in a positive way?

Just the Bread

"Preachers should give out bread, not the bread factory"

This was a quote a pastor friend of mine posted recently. I wasn't sure what he meant until he explained it like this. . .

It means that we do not give our people every bit our our 10-20 hours of our sermon preparation, but to prepare in such a way that our people are able to digest it and not overload them to where they miss it all. Give them the product of your study.

Now it makes sense to me.

Too Much Time

This guy has way too much time on his hands.

Georgia on My Mind

Quote

I love this quote . . . "I don't love you because I need you, I need you because I love you."

I'd Rather Be Here. . .

I found myself thinking this morning about camping, sitting in front of a bonfire with friends and longing to be in the woods. Don't know why, but the thoughts just soothed my soul.

I'm a Marilyn

I took this silly quiz after seeing it on someone else's blog. There were only 2 questions and this was the result. . . You are a Marilyn -- "I am affectionate and skeptical."

Marilyns are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

• * Be direct and clear
• * Listen to me carefully
• * Don't judge me for my anxiety
• * Work things through with me
• * Reassure me that everything is OK between us
• * Laugh and make jokes with me
• * Gently push me toward new experiences
• * Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a Marilyn

• * being committed and faithful to family and friends
• * being responsible and hardworking
• * being compassionate toward others
• * having intellect and wit
• * being a nonconformist
• * confronting danger bravely
• * being direct and assertive
  

What's Hard About Being a Marilyn

• * the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind
• * procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself
• * fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of
• * exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger
• * wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right
• * being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

Marilyns as Children Often

• * are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and stubborn
• * are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger
• * form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent
• * look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel
• * are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent
  

Marilyns as Parents

• * are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty
• * are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence
• * worry more than most that their children will get hurt
• * sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

Hmm, pretty accurate.

Yes We Can

Regardless of how you voted, keep in mind that the people of America have spoken. Although you may not agree with the outcome we as Christians are called to be obedient to God's Word. His word tells us "Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God." (Romans 13:1)

Because President-Elect Obama's election is legitmate, we must respect and give honor due to his position in the high office he will hold. Failure in this responsibility is disobedience to a clear biblical command.

We must pray for this new President, for his wife and family, for his administration, and for the nation. We are commanded in the Word to pray for rulers, and the President - Elect faces challenges that are not only daunting but potentially disastrous. Pray for God to grant him wisdom. He, along with his family, will face new challenges and the pressures of this office. Pray that God will protect him, as well as his family, that he would grant them joy and that he would bind them together as a family. Continue to pray for protection of this nation as he settles into his role as Commander in Chief, and that God will grant peace among us as he leads the nation through times of trial and international conflict and tension.

Americans we should look for opportunities to work with the new President and his administration where we can. To guard our tongues from slandering him and his efforts. That instead of being critical we would find comfort in knowing that whether the man of our own choosing is in office, that ultimately the man of God's choosing is in office. As the Word tells us God establishes authority not man.

I wish you were here today. I missed your call yesterday. It seems like forever since I heard your voice. I still catch myself on the verge of asking to talk to you when I call. Oh how I miss your voice. I miss the wisdom you were always willing to share with me and with others. I think back to Saturdays spent running errands, buying groceries for both of our households, and the times where we just enjoyed being together and sharing our love for one another. I'm glad I have those precious memories because it's those memories that help get me through days like today.

You taught me so much throughout the years. Whether it was through words or actions you always instructed me on various things you knew I would need. Some of the most precious memories I have of you are of you talking to me about the Lord. Your love for God was evident throughout the years and you encouraged me to find my satisfaction in Him.

There are so many things I wish I had said to you. You went too fast (but I'm thankful God didn't allow you to suffer). I wanted so badly that last night just to hear your voice one more time. But your eyes spoke what your voice couldn't.

You would be 74 today if you were here. Although I can't call to say "Happy Birthday", you are on my mind and in my heart.

Being 43

Today makes 43 years that I've been in this world. I've learned many things in those few years and I thought I'd share 43 of them with you (not in any particular order).

1. You never stop learning. Anybody can teach you something new, even a child.
2. Less is more. Sometimes the less you own, the happier you are; the less you say, the smarter you appear.
3. When the doctor says "It'll only hurt a little bit", it will actually hurt a lot.
4. When you give without expecting anything in return, often you receive more than you bargained for.
5. If the choice is cleaning your home or playing Barbie’s with your daughter…let the dust accumulate.
6. Friendships are rare gifts. When they are genuine, they stand the test of time and circumstance.
7. Say thank you. We often ask but seldom thank.
8. It’s better to sing off key than not to sing at all.
9. You can’t avoid offending people from time to time. When you don’t mean it, apologize. When you do mean it, accept the consequences.
10. It’s 10 times easier to fall in love than to stay in love. And no matter what the sad songs say about romance, broken hearts do mend.
11. It’s never a shame when you admit you don’t know something, and often a shame when you assume that you do
12. Grudges are poison. The only antidote is to let them go.
13. Laundry is one household chore that is never done.
14. Promptness shows respect.
15. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
16. You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
17. It takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
18. Never lick a steak knife.
19. It's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts
20. You should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
21. Learning to forgive takes practice.
22. Being kind is more important than being right.
23. When you say "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
24. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
25. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
26. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
27. It is taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
28. It's a lot easier to react first than it is to think about it first.
29. Either I control my attitude or it controls me.
30. No matter how much you try to prepare yourself for a loved one's death, you're never truly prepared.
31. Just because someone doesn't say "I love you", doesn't mean they don't.
32. First impressions are completely worthless 50% of the time.
33. It's okay to take a day off and just relax.
34. An enjoyable meal. A casual walk. A stroll through the woods. Time with family. These are the kinds of things that provide deep, long lasting happiness
35. Old habits die hard.
36. Sleep makes me happy.
37. Hair on a barbie doll doesn't grow back.
38. You can't fix stupid.
39. Some people take life way to seriously
40. It's hard to dislike someone when you pray for them.
41. Kindness and hard work will take you further than intelligence.
42. Laughing, crying, joy and anger… All are a vital. All make us human.
43. Take lots of pictures. Someday you’ll be really glad you did

Food For Thought

Breakfast: What's your favorite place in your house and why? Describe it or add a photo. My living room. It's where we spend our time together at whether it's watching television or just talking.

Lunch: If your spouse or significant other were a light bulb, what wattage would they be? 25-60-75-100 or a dim black light? His wattage varies. . . some days he's a 75 watt, the next day he is a 100 watt and then there are those days that he is more of a 60 watt. Regardless the watts he brightens my life by just being in it.

Dinner: Name something that would disqualify you if you were a contestant on Fear Factor. I'd never make it through the tryout stage. I'd freak over the snakes, bugs, slimy stuff, and the smelly stuff.

Midnight Snack: What is something that you do that helps you escape for a while? Reading a good book, playing a computer game, or riding bikes.

Recipe for this week (instead of your recipe for life - what it is for just this week?) Don't let the circumstance you find yourself in determine your mood.

Note from Speech Class

While helping David study this afternoon for speech class I came across the 3 B's for speaking:

1. Begin
2. Be Brief
3. Be Seated

I like those three B's.

New Poll

Until today I was under the assumption that when a person is in prison their right to vote is revoked. Not so! Vermont and Maine still allow prisoners to vote. I found that very interesting. Not sure how I feel about that fact and I'm curious how others feel. Therefore, I'm adding a poll to the blog for the next week. Go vote!

Whenever I See Your Smiling Face

It's hard to believe that you've been in glory for a year now. I still miss your smile and your laughter. Even now I still think you will be in your room when I go out to your mom's & dad's.

Your mom & dad have struggled this year, but it has been humbling to witness their faith sustain them. They still question "Why Jess", but turn right around with an answer of "it was God's plan and we may never understand, but we trust His plan." I've seen them grow closer as a couple this past year and they cherish each day as they walk by faith together.

Although I still grieve for you, I know you are rejoicing. You were looking forward to your wedding day when God called you home. I often wonder how your face looked the moment you walked into glory and down the aisle to the true bridegroom. One thing is for certain, you were smiling and I would even bet you were running towards him.

I wouldn't want you to leave glory just to be with us again, but oh how I miss you and look forward to the day that I am with you again!